i'm back.

After my last post I had a bit of a freak out. In short, I ended up telling my mother through a letter about my eating disorder. Naturally, the rest of the family found out about that, as well as my continued self harm. And I had a bad binge and couldn't get everything up. So I popped some laxatives and proceeded to have a terrible panic attack. I flipped in front of my mother and sister and begged for treatment. And for a few days I thought I wanted it. I even go back to it now...

But I can't have it. I've gained, I know I have. And I can't give up my laxatives. I'm so bloated and gross! I took two 25 mg tablets and they've done nothing but make my insides hurt.

I feel awful. I've puked up everything in the past 24 hours, and I will continue to do so. 

I'm not scared anymore. Not of ana or mia.

Death scares me. But not like this. I can die this way; of malnutrition or of complications from my disease.

I'm tired. I wish I weren't so bloated... :(

pill drip.

day two of the ABC diet = success. i was going to start it after uproar, but decided it'd be better if i did it now. so tomorrow i can eat 300 calories. i have it planned out.

i feel like a wreck. i might go to the store tomorrow and buy laxatives. or should i save that for later? i don't know.

~*~ sensitive ana boy problems ~*~

college.

i'm enrolling in a community college. i hear it's pretty much guaranteed that i'll get in, but i don't know. i just want something to do, and dedicating myself to education sounds pretty awesome right now. i sort of want to be like marya hornbacher, who was completely dedicated to her work. in other news, i guess i've been... well, i've been eating 1000 - 1300 calories a day, and exercising. it's enough for weight loss, but i still feel like a fat failure. so i ate 800 calories today, and i'll exercise for an hour. then i'll fast for three days. sounds like a good idea to me.

quiero.

i want. 

i want to be thin. and not just thin, but skeletal... i usually judge everyone that isn't bony, and if they're not bony then they're fat. i'm a fucking awful person.

i keep purging everything. it's scary, how good i'm becoming at it. chug water or soda between bites. soda is better because it breaks down the food further. three fingers, down the throat, until they can't get down any further. puke. puke, and puke again, until the voice in your head says, "good. you're done now."

it used to be that i could just get a little up and that would be fine... but now i have to get everything up. it's been a year since i first started restricting and puking, i can hardly believe it...