i could devour you.

Size: ?

Age: 18.

Highest Weight: 160.00 lbs.

Lowest Weight: 124.00 lbs.

Goal Weight: 88.00 lbs.

Favorite Diet Food?

Salad, fat free dressing, egg whites.

Favorite Binge Food?

Pizza, toast with butter and sugar, anything..

Favorite Exercise?

Anything cardio.

Thinspo?

Anything with a BMI lower than 17.

What Makes You Slip Up?

Boredom.

What Makes You Strong?

When I see the number on the scale, when I see old pictures, when I think of how perfect I'll be.

When Did It Start?

Last year.

Does Anyone Know?

Sam. Boyfriend. A few friends.

Do You Want Help?

Um, no.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?

500 max.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?

The biggest tummy in the world. Mile wide thighs. Jiggly ass. Flabby arms. Too much.

Are You In A Relationship?

Yes! <3

Is It For Attention?

Nope.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?

Thin, but not the thinnest.

Are You Depressed?

Yes, but not as much as I was before.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?

No, but I was hospitalized for idealization.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?

Several.

Are You On Any Medication?

Lexapro, lamictal, abilify.

I AM -

[x] anorexic

[ ] ednos

[ ] bulimic

[x] living off diet pills

[ ] hungry

[x] thirsty

[x] drinking something

[ ] eating something

[ ] under 100lbs

[x] starving myself

[ ] participating in a fast

[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -

[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic

[x] call me fat

[x] say I’m skinny

[ ] say I’m ugly

[x] say I’m pretty

[ ] spread rumors about me

[ ] force me to eat

[x] say I eat too much

[ ] wish I’d eat more

[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -

[x] I was thin

[x] I had a better body

[x] I didn't have to eat

[x] I could control myself

[x] I was under 110lbs

[x] I could avoid food

[x] I could hide what I am

[x] I wasn’t fat

[x] I was prettier

[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend

[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -

[x] feeling hungry

[x] seeing a difference

[x] shaking

[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)

[x] losing weight

[x] being anorexic/bulimic

[x] green tea

[x] diet pills

[x] being able to turn down food

[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -

[x] when people stare

[x] being asked questions

[x] having to eat

[x] being single

[ LOL ] wearing short skirts

[x] being fat

[x] looking ugly

[x] feeling this way

[x] fat people

I NEED -

[x] more support

[x] people to stay out of my business

[ ] more friends

[ ] someone to know

[x] less food

[x] more water

[ ] a gym membership

[ ] to lose 50 lbs

[x] to lose 30 lbs (36, actually).

[ ] to lose 10 lbs

124.60 lbs.

and i'm only shrinking further.

i have N I N E days to lose 6.6 pounds. then i'll be under weight. i'm so determined. more exercise, less food, NO BINGEING AND PURGING.

ohio is on fire.

My heart hurts a little. I just weighed my self, and I'm at 127.6. I'm guessing that a pound of it is water weight. I just want to puke everything up and exercise until I'm gone. I feel nauseous, sick, tired. 

Can I sleep for a week and wake up underweight?

バチュル, むしのさざめき!

That means, "Bachuru, bug buzz!". I think. I can't remember. (: I love pokemon.

I've been eating about 900-1200 calories lately, and that's okay for weight loss, but it makes me uncomfortable. So today I'm starting really restricting again. 380 calories for today; the usual cap is 500, but I want to be thinner quicker...

Been using laxatives almost every day for about a month now. Not scared, just... I dunno how to put it. It's very complex, I guess. I just need to feel clean inside.

scream.

I had a pretty good day today.

I spent it with my boyfriend, Pat. We mostly cuddled and played some video games and called each other butts. He really does mean quite a bit to me. Snoring on the couch right now, looking all adorable. (: Ahhh, he commented on a picture on facebook and said, "Jay, why you no in movies". It made me smile all big-like.

Intake's been all right the past few days. In one of my mom's diet books there was this formula to see what your eating can support. Like, take your usual calorie count for the day (mine's 500) and divide by 12 if you're a woman and 13 if you're a man. The number is left is the weight that your calorie cap can support. 

I am eating enough to support a 35.7 pound man.

Awesome.

I've been taking lax almost every night now... I should be scared.

But I'm not.

<3

7/1/2011.

New blog, new me?