kill me

what a shame we all became such fragile, broken things.

i feel hurt, but in a way i can't yet grasp - like it hasn't fully hit me. i guess all i can do is watch from a distance. watch everything. i feel like i'm standing in the middle of traffic, cars and buses hurtling past me at a hundred miles an hour, and all i can do is witness.

i've been accepted to college... which is great. here's to being responsible.

i had spent some time with my friends, which was amazing. i miss them. i had a taste of what it was like to be alive again. but now here i am - a little winterboy who pukes up everything he eats. i can't stop that. do i want to stop that? no - are you kidding me? i'm massive...

it's 6:59 am. i want to exercise all day and purge everything.

i'm back.

After my last post I had a bit of a freak out. In short, I ended up telling my mother through a letter about my eating disorder. Naturally, the rest of the family found out about that, as well as my continued self harm. And I had a bad binge and couldn't get everything up. So I popped some laxatives and proceeded to have a terrible panic attack. I flipped in front of my mother and sister and begged for treatment. And for a few days I thought I wanted it. I even go back to it now...

But I can't have it. I've gained, I know I have. And I can't give up my laxatives. I'm so bloated and gross! I took two 25 mg tablets and they've done nothing but make my insides hurt.

I feel awful. I've puked up everything in the past 24 hours, and I will continue to do so. 

I'm not scared anymore. Not of ana or mia.

Death scares me. But not like this. I can die this way; of malnutrition or of complications from my disease.

I'm tired. I wish I weren't so bloated... :(