After my last post I had a bit of a freak out. In short, I ended up telling my mother through a letter about my eating disorder. Naturally, the rest of the family found out about that, as well as my continued self harm. And I had a bad binge and couldn't get everything up. So I popped some laxatives and proceeded to have a terrible panic attack. I flipped in front of my mother and sister and begged for treatment. And for a few days I thought I wanted it. I even go back to it now...
But I can't have it. I've gained, I know I have. And I can't give up my laxatives. I'm so bloated and gross! I took two 25 mg tablets and they've done nothing but make my insides hurt.
I feel awful. I've puked up everything in the past 24 hours, and I will continue to do so.
I'm not scared anymore. Not of ana or mia.
Death scares me. But not like this. I can die this way; of malnutrition or of complications from my disease.
I'm tired. I wish I weren't so bloated... :(
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