not sure if i mentioned it before, but i've been thinking about something that happened when i was sixteen. i won't go into details, but technically it was rape. i was drunk and so was he, blah blah blah. i considered it my first time, but the more i think about it, the more it's like, "...No, you retard, you were raped". it makes a lot of sense, and i think my sub conscious registered it as rape while me on the surface didn't. it was around then that i started cutting. it was around then that i started feeling really dirty, as well as hypersexual, and psychotic. i started having nightmares, delusions and hallucinations.
it's bothering me now, that i had been raped. like after nearly three years, it's caught up with me.
needless to say, i'm hardly hungry. i feel too gross and sad to eat, you know? it's weird. i started cutting again, and i need to stop, but i don't want to. cutting was my first love, i'll say.
i restarted the ABC because the last two days were slightl flukes. still, the intake was below 500 for a few days now.
i just took ten lax. i really want to know what i truly weigh, so... if it's below 124, i'll be ... okay, but if it's below 120 i'll be ecstatic. i feel so sad lately, and guilty. since i told mom. last night was especially weird, because they bought oatmeal cream pies, which i (used to) love.
"binge food," i said, and ate two in front of mom.
she said something akin to, "i feel horrible because i know you're going to puke, but i can't stop you,"
i puked, but i vowed to stop bingeing and purging, or just purging at all. i don't want to hurt mom, or jake, or abby, or david, but i am just not comfortable eating like they do. i'm not seeking to recover from restricting, exercising, or lax usage, just bingeing and purging.
i'm a weird mix of sad an happy. i have people who i love more than anything - and i truly mean this - but i feel like i'm failing them
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I'm really glad to have found your blog; you're a really great writer.
ReplyDeleteAnd our moms sound super-similar. It's terrible to hear that kind of hopelessness in someone's voice and know that it's directed at you.
If you ever want someone to talk to, you can email me at linab93@gmail.com.
Take care,
Lina
I'm sorry that it's all coming back to you and making you partake in self-destructive ways. I can't imagine what it's like to have a mom that understands your ED; I know she's sad about it and you feel like your failing her, but it must be sort of nice to not have to explain everything. Anyway I hope you feel a sense of happiness in the next upcoming days and things look up for you :]
ReplyDeleteThose sorts of things can really sneak up on after years of sort-of forgetting them. :/ I don't know if there is a right way to deal with it, but I do know that with time and acceptance, the hurt doesn't feel so raw.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need someone to talk to, and someone who's been through it, you can always email me: bellatrixburrows[at]hotmail.com
xoxo