some big updates.

not sure if i mentioned it before, but i've been thinking about something that happened when i was sixteen. i won't go into details, but technically it was rape. i was drunk and so was he, blah blah blah. i considered it my first time, but the more i think about it, the more it's like, "...No, you retard, you were raped". it makes a lot of sense, and i think my sub conscious registered it as rape while me on the surface didn't. it was around then that i started cutting. it was around then that i started feeling really dirty, as well as hypersexual, and psychotic. i started having nightmares, delusions and hallucinations.

it's bothering me now, that i had been raped. like after nearly three years, it's caught up with me.

needless to say, i'm hardly hungry. i feel too gross and sad to eat, you know? it's weird. i started cutting again, and i need to stop, but i don't want to. cutting was my first love, i'll say.

i restarted the ABC because the last two days were slightl flukes. still, the intake was below 500 for a few days now.

i just took ten lax. i really want to know what i truly weigh, so... if it's below 124, i'll be ... okay, but if it's below 120 i'll be ecstatic. i feel so sad lately, and guilty. since i told mom. last night was especially weird, because they bought oatmeal cream pies, which i (used to) love.

"binge food," i said, and ate two in front of mom.

she said something akin to, "i feel horrible because i know you're going to puke, but i can't stop you,"

i puked, but i vowed to stop bingeing and purging, or just purging at all. i don't want to hurt mom, or jake, or abby, or david, but i am just not comfortable eating like they do. i'm not seeking to recover from restricting, exercising, or lax usage, just bingeing and purging.

i'm a weird mix of sad an happy. i have people who i love more than anything - and i truly mean this - but i feel like i'm failing them

this feels like a dream.

i told my mom about my eating disorder.

it was strange. i wrote it all to her in a letter, and for a while i cried. she talked about sending me to inpatient, but i said no - i’m too fat for that. i told her i was going to work hard on not bingeing and purging, and i am. i want to keep losing weight, yes, and she accepted that. she just told me that i should come to her when i’m ready for recovery. but if it gets really bad before i’m ready, then she’ll send me into inpatient. and i’m okay with that.

pill drip.

day two of the ABC diet = success. i was going to start it after uproar, but decided it'd be better if i did it now. so tomorrow i can eat 300 calories. i have it planned out.

i feel like a wreck. i might go to the store tomorrow and buy laxatives. or should i save that for later? i don't know.

~*~ sensitive ana boy problems ~*~

you make me wanna die

it's a song by the pretty reckless, not actually how i feel.

i feel okay. really, really out of it from being sick and hopped up on a ton of nyquil, but i'm okay. i have thirteen days until the uproar festival, where i get to see my favorite band in the whole wide world. you guys have no idea how excited i am for it. oh my good golly gosh.

and thanks for the comments, you guys! <3 i've been working on not purging as much, but we all know how hard that is. i think i should just accept my bulimic tendencies... but part of me wants to fight against purging and just restrict.

hm.

i'll figure it out when i'm not so tired.

i'll go read some blogs now. (:

breakfast = coco POP rice cakes, tuna.

ew. i wanted to purge it all, but when i purge i just want to binge afterwards. i feel satiated now. and i will for a while. i went shopping with dad yesterday; i bought apples, strawberries, nonfat yogurt, rice cakes, salad mix, and jasmine green tea. which i love. it's really sour. >.<

i'm going to do well today. and tomorrow. and the following days. i can't say i won't binge, but... i'm going to do well before and after the fact.

college.

i'm enrolling in a community college. i hear it's pretty much guaranteed that i'll get in, but i don't know. i just want something to do, and dedicating myself to education sounds pretty awesome right now. i sort of want to be like marya hornbacher, who was completely dedicated to her work. in other news, i guess i've been... well, i've been eating 1000 - 1300 calories a day, and exercising. it's enough for weight loss, but i still feel like a fat failure. so i ate 800 calories today, and i'll exercise for an hour. then i'll fast for three days. sounds like a good idea to me.

scarred.

i binged pretty bad these last three days. so today i'm having 250 calories of arnold palmer and that's it. i think i'll liquid fast for a while. i want to see a lower number on the scale. no, i take that back; i need to.

i miss people. 23 days until my concert - avenged sevenfold - and i have to be underweight. must look good for my boys. i'd like to be 110 pounds.

so i will be.

simple as that.

binge. 1200 calories MAX, but i think it's more like 1000. i exercised yesterday, and i think i'm fasting today. if i maintained from that binge instead of gaining i'll be a happy camper. 

i really want some water. like, just a ton of ice cold water. i'll just have that and my pills today, i think. and a nap, of course.

still purging everything/most everything. i leave a little bit left. it's pretty tiring, yeah, but when i stand up i have a significant thigh gap - except the very top of my thighs touch. so close to underweight. i'm 123 lbs or lower, i know that much.

my boyfriend's mom said, i'm "wasting away" and i'm "super skinny". pat said the same thing. i'm "alarmingly skinny". um, what?

i am a healthy weight. therefore, i am fat. i don't see myself as skinny at all. i'm getting there, sure, but i'm definitely NOT there, yet.

purge.

oh, my throat hurts. i've purged 5 or 6 times in the last 24 hours. i'm tired. i'm scared. 


i want to cry and cut.


but no, i'm going to chew and spit a slice of cake, exercise, buy laxatives and then not eat for the rest of the day. i'd better have a good fucking weigh in tomorrow. if it's anything above 124... i don't care how much it hurts, i'll purge everything i eat.

veloci... philosophiraptor?

i'm gonna write a letter to you, my best friend.

i'm not sure what's going on with you, or for that matter with me, but i want you to know that there's not a day that goes by that i don't think and worry about you. i know you're tired and depressed and lost. i am too. i miss the solace and comfort i could take in being with my best friend... sister, if you will.

we were definitely close before we both found out about each others issues with eating, but i feel like we've gotten so much closer after we were in the know. i love you dearly, and you're the only friend that's never really gone away. 

i love you, and i understand what you're going through. just let me know when you want to see me again... because what's a jeckster without his sam?

quiero.

i want. 

i want to be thin. and not just thin, but skeletal... i usually judge everyone that isn't bony, and if they're not bony then they're fat. i'm a fucking awful person.

i keep purging everything. it's scary, how good i'm becoming at it. chug water or soda between bites. soda is better because it breaks down the food further. three fingers, down the throat, until they can't get down any further. puke. puke, and puke again, until the voice in your head says, "good. you're done now."

it used to be that i could just get a little up and that would be fine... but now i have to get everything up. it's been a year since i first started restricting and puking, i can hardly believe it...

ever more

i worry too much.

why do i have to crave everything? not just food, mind. i want to cut on my arm again, it’s my favorite spot. i want to hit myself on the head some more. i want to eat something anything everything and puke it back up.
dammit, i want pat to hit me and choke me.

but i’m afraid.

i’m afraid to let it all out, but also afraid to bottle everything up. what do i do?

everything hurts at this dead time between midnight and dawn, when i’m the only one awake.

i cry sometimes because i’m in limbo between so many things. sickness and health. male and female. i’m androgynous and fat. stuck on pause. all i do is sleep and puke and exercise and avoid food and try to write and fail.

the only good part of my life is the people in it.

i want to sleep, but i can’t. i want to cut, but i can’t do that either. made a promise i wouldn’t.

but then again, how many times have i promised myself, him, everyone, that i’d stop puking? do this, do that?

i’m a terrible person.