why do i have to crave everything? not just food, mind. i want to cut on my arm again, it’s my favorite spot. i want to hit myself on the head some more. i want to eat something anything everything and puke it back up.
dammit, i want pat to hit me and choke me.

but i’m afraid.

i’m afraid to let it all out, but also afraid to bottle everything up. what do i do?

everything hurts at this dead time between midnight and dawn, when i’m the only one awake.

i cry sometimes because i’m in limbo between so many things. sickness and health. male and female. i’m androgynous and fat. stuck on pause. all i do is sleep and puke and exercise and avoid food and try to write and fail.

the only good part of my life is the people in it.

i want to sleep, but i can’t. i want to cut, but i can’t do that either. made a promise i wouldn’t.

but then again, how many times have i promised myself, him, everyone, that i’d stop puking? do this, do that?

i’m a terrible person.