bleed & purge it out.

i'm fucking sick and bleeding. the cuts on my wrist are my salvation. they all thought i was recovered, but seeing the number on the scale i shouldn't have stepped on ruined me. i'm back, ana and mia. i missed you. please kill me.

i had a drug trip in which i though my essence, my soul, was trapped within my self conscious - the part of the brain we don't actively use.  it hurt, but it was wild, insane.  i loved it, even though pat thought i was freaking out. it was simply transcendent.

since y last post i'd tried recovery and failed. i want ana and mia back. i feel like i have them. yesterday was 650 calories and today was under 800 but all liquid. tomorrow i restrict and purge.

i'm a failure

cutting & purging.

i used to not feel like a real cutter because i only cut on the top of my arm. i have many, many layers of cuts on the top of my left forearm; it's my favorite place. yet even though i felt like a fake, i did it anyway and it worked. i once got so desperate for blood that i took the razor out of a new pencil sharpener.

when i was really psychotic, the voices in my head told me to tell mom all of my secrets, so i did, and i told her about the cutting. from then on, cutting never really held the same charm for me. i had to slice more and slice deeper for anything to really work - to feel that calm as the blood bubbled up and the razor dropped. so i quit, for my mother's benefit. i have said time and time again that i'm not cutting anymore, even though i am.

and that brings us to now. i have a boyfriend and a family and friends who hate the sight of my scarred arms. i have a hatred for my body and myself. i hate myself so fucking much and i deserve this misery, this torture, this hell.

i used to be scared of cutting my wrist. used to be.

blinded in chains.

thanks for the birthday wishes, guys! i ate, didn't purge, drank. it threw me a bit off track, but i'm back in the game now. i weighed yesterday and i didn't really like what i saw. my friend said, when i told her i was scared to weigh, "at best you'll be surprised and at worst you'll be motivated". i'm both surprised and motivated; i thought i'd be well into the 135-145 range. i'm like 128, which is really gross, but i'm going to get far away from that number! i'm actually really ashamed to post that weight, but... blegh. i'll be motivated to come back and say i'm lower.

i feel... okay. mood wise. bored and tired and cold, but i'm not at the point where i want to die, anymore. i hope you're all okay, at the least.

my birthday.

yeah, it's my birthday today.

i plan on fasting. because what's better than losing weight for one's birthday?

or if i can't get out of my birthday dinner later with my boyfriend, then i'll purge or just eat a little. i just ran for half an hour and accidentally puked up my diet pills. 

haha. today's off to a great start.

but no, really, it is. i've gotten tons of happy birthday wishes, both from family, friends, and my tumblr buddies. i feel pretty good today.

i miss you so fucking much

and it hurts that we can't see each other. i'm beyond elated that you're getting better, and i'll pray it stays that way. i love you, too. please stay strong. my happiness is contingent on yours.

i'm in a bad place right now. i can't stop shaking or crying and my razors are all dirty, i can't use them. am i moving? i feel like i am. moving but not going anywhere. i wrote something weird and psychotic the other day.

someone on tumblr asked me if i was a guy or a girl. it was the last thing i needed and i started to cry. bad. hyperventilating. the gender dysphoria has only gotten worse...

i didn't eat yesterday, and so far i've only had an apple. a tumblr friend of mine and i decided we're going to start restricting hard again. it's not really good but i feel like i need to. i wish i was ready to recover but i'm just... not.

TRIGGERED.

i was sitting on my ass, scrolling through my tumblr dash. thinking about maybe going downstairs and eating, or b/ping.

then i saw this picture of the peppers on my dash:

uh.

can i look like them, please? masculine and thin and muscular?

i'd be completely fine with looking like john frusciante.

please don't strip my mind.

more red hot chili peppers and john frusciante. its really all that's been coming out of my speakers lately.

mom and i had a brief talk today. she was getting ready for work, and came in to ask about my dishes. i had a sandwich in my hand.

"can i ask you a question?" the pause was just a breath, i didn't have the time to answer. she continued, "how's your eating?"

"erratic."

"are you purging?"

"yup." it came out of my mouth like a challenge. something foul and angry, like my eating disorder itself said it and was daring my poor, sweet mother to do something about it.

"do you still want to go to treatment?"

"no." this came out like a scoff. pfft. recovery? i laugh at the very idea.

"come to me when you're ready." she said, and wiped at her eyes. i could feel the weight of her words. they chained my eyes down to the floor, where i couldn't meet hers.

"okay."

"i don't want you to suffer like i did these past twenty-something years," she said.

i feel like the worst son ever.

i used to be scared. really scared of purging everything i eat. but now the torture is welcome. let the acid shred my throat and mouth. let my sharp finger nails slice the soft pink flesh. let everything pour out of me and spin away, miles and miles underground. i don't want anything inside.

drugs.

ive been spending a lot of time reading scar tissue by anthony kiedis, the lead singer of red hot chili peppers. i got all their music. and i got all of john frusciante's solo stuff. i can't get over his album, "shadows collide with people". it's so mellow at times, but really jammy and upbeat in others. fuck. i love this man.

however, when i was reading scar tissue, quite a bit of it focused on his drug addictions. i never really realized how similar drug addictions are to eating disorders. it's more of a general sense, i think. anthony was routinely triggered into going on benders by break ups. this might just be the strange little faggot-fan in me, but i do feel a sort of kinship with him and john, 'cause they both had demons that were hard to shake.

anthony said wrote, in this one part, about how he was in group therapy or something at rehab. the person who was speaking said, statistically, that only one person out of all the people that were in that room (i think there were forty or so?) would stick with recovery from their addictions. anthony wrote, that he was determined to be that one person.

yet time and time again, he used.

it's a strange comparison, because eating disorders are, i think, about deprivation - generally speaking - while drug addicts seek out their vice. but the things he wrote just struck me, i guess.

hm.

that's it, i suppose. go check out "this cold" by john frusciante. the vocal melodies tug at my heart strings in an incredible way.

kill me

what a shame we all became such fragile, broken things.

i feel hurt, but in a way i can't yet grasp - like it hasn't fully hit me. i guess all i can do is watch from a distance. watch everything. i feel like i'm standing in the middle of traffic, cars and buses hurtling past me at a hundred miles an hour, and all i can do is witness.

i've been accepted to college... which is great. here's to being responsible.

i had spent some time with my friends, which was amazing. i miss them. i had a taste of what it was like to be alive again. but now here i am - a little winterboy who pukes up everything he eats. i can't stop that. do i want to stop that? no - are you kidding me? i'm massive...

it's 6:59 am. i want to exercise all day and purge everything.

i'm back.

After my last post I had a bit of a freak out. In short, I ended up telling my mother through a letter about my eating disorder. Naturally, the rest of the family found out about that, as well as my continued self harm. And I had a bad binge and couldn't get everything up. So I popped some laxatives and proceeded to have a terrible panic attack. I flipped in front of my mother and sister and begged for treatment. And for a few days I thought I wanted it. I even go back to it now...

But I can't have it. I've gained, I know I have. And I can't give up my laxatives. I'm so bloated and gross! I took two 25 mg tablets and they've done nothing but make my insides hurt.

I feel awful. I've puked up everything in the past 24 hours, and I will continue to do so. 

I'm not scared anymore. Not of ana or mia.

Death scares me. But not like this. I can die this way; of malnutrition or of complications from my disease.

I'm tired. I wish I weren't so bloated... :(

some big updates.

not sure if i mentioned it before, but i've been thinking about something that happened when i was sixteen. i won't go into details, but technically it was rape. i was drunk and so was he, blah blah blah. i considered it my first time, but the more i think about it, the more it's like, "...No, you retard, you were raped". it makes a lot of sense, and i think my sub conscious registered it as rape while me on the surface didn't. it was around then that i started cutting. it was around then that i started feeling really dirty, as well as hypersexual, and psychotic. i started having nightmares, delusions and hallucinations.

it's bothering me now, that i had been raped. like after nearly three years, it's caught up with me.

needless to say, i'm hardly hungry. i feel too gross and sad to eat, you know? it's weird. i started cutting again, and i need to stop, but i don't want to. cutting was my first love, i'll say.

i restarted the ABC because the last two days were slightl flukes. still, the intake was below 500 for a few days now.

i just took ten lax. i really want to know what i truly weigh, so... if it's below 124, i'll be ... okay, but if it's below 120 i'll be ecstatic. i feel so sad lately, and guilty. since i told mom. last night was especially weird, because they bought oatmeal cream pies, which i (used to) love.

"binge food," i said, and ate two in front of mom.

she said something akin to, "i feel horrible because i know you're going to puke, but i can't stop you,"

i puked, but i vowed to stop bingeing and purging, or just purging at all. i don't want to hurt mom, or jake, or abby, or david, but i am just not comfortable eating like they do. i'm not seeking to recover from restricting, exercising, or lax usage, just bingeing and purging.

i'm a weird mix of sad an happy. i have people who i love more than anything - and i truly mean this - but i feel like i'm failing them

this feels like a dream.

i told my mom about my eating disorder.

it was strange. i wrote it all to her in a letter, and for a while i cried. she talked about sending me to inpatient, but i said no - i’m too fat for that. i told her i was going to work hard on not bingeing and purging, and i am. i want to keep losing weight, yes, and she accepted that. she just told me that i should come to her when i’m ready for recovery. but if it gets really bad before i’m ready, then she’ll send me into inpatient. and i’m okay with that.

pill drip.

day two of the ABC diet = success. i was going to start it after uproar, but decided it'd be better if i did it now. so tomorrow i can eat 300 calories. i have it planned out.

i feel like a wreck. i might go to the store tomorrow and buy laxatives. or should i save that for later? i don't know.

~*~ sensitive ana boy problems ~*~

you make me wanna die

it's a song by the pretty reckless, not actually how i feel.

i feel okay. really, really out of it from being sick and hopped up on a ton of nyquil, but i'm okay. i have thirteen days until the uproar festival, where i get to see my favorite band in the whole wide world. you guys have no idea how excited i am for it. oh my good golly gosh.

and thanks for the comments, you guys! <3 i've been working on not purging as much, but we all know how hard that is. i think i should just accept my bulimic tendencies... but part of me wants to fight against purging and just restrict.

hm.

i'll figure it out when i'm not so tired.

i'll go read some blogs now. (:

breakfast = coco POP rice cakes, tuna.

ew. i wanted to purge it all, but when i purge i just want to binge afterwards. i feel satiated now. and i will for a while. i went shopping with dad yesterday; i bought apples, strawberries, nonfat yogurt, rice cakes, salad mix, and jasmine green tea. which i love. it's really sour. >.<

i'm going to do well today. and tomorrow. and the following days. i can't say i won't binge, but... i'm going to do well before and after the fact.

college.

i'm enrolling in a community college. i hear it's pretty much guaranteed that i'll get in, but i don't know. i just want something to do, and dedicating myself to education sounds pretty awesome right now. i sort of want to be like marya hornbacher, who was completely dedicated to her work. in other news, i guess i've been... well, i've been eating 1000 - 1300 calories a day, and exercising. it's enough for weight loss, but i still feel like a fat failure. so i ate 800 calories today, and i'll exercise for an hour. then i'll fast for three days. sounds like a good idea to me.

scarred.

i binged pretty bad these last three days. so today i'm having 250 calories of arnold palmer and that's it. i think i'll liquid fast for a while. i want to see a lower number on the scale. no, i take that back; i need to.

i miss people. 23 days until my concert - avenged sevenfold - and i have to be underweight. must look good for my boys. i'd like to be 110 pounds.

so i will be.

simple as that.

binge. 1200 calories MAX, but i think it's more like 1000. i exercised yesterday, and i think i'm fasting today. if i maintained from that binge instead of gaining i'll be a happy camper. 

i really want some water. like, just a ton of ice cold water. i'll just have that and my pills today, i think. and a nap, of course.

still purging everything/most everything. i leave a little bit left. it's pretty tiring, yeah, but when i stand up i have a significant thigh gap - except the very top of my thighs touch. so close to underweight. i'm 123 lbs or lower, i know that much.

my boyfriend's mom said, i'm "wasting away" and i'm "super skinny". pat said the same thing. i'm "alarmingly skinny". um, what?

i am a healthy weight. therefore, i am fat. i don't see myself as skinny at all. i'm getting there, sure, but i'm definitely NOT there, yet.

purge.

oh, my throat hurts. i've purged 5 or 6 times in the last 24 hours. i'm tired. i'm scared. 


i want to cry and cut.


but no, i'm going to chew and spit a slice of cake, exercise, buy laxatives and then not eat for the rest of the day. i'd better have a good fucking weigh in tomorrow. if it's anything above 124... i don't care how much it hurts, i'll purge everything i eat.

veloci... philosophiraptor?

i'm gonna write a letter to you, my best friend.

i'm not sure what's going on with you, or for that matter with me, but i want you to know that there's not a day that goes by that i don't think and worry about you. i know you're tired and depressed and lost. i am too. i miss the solace and comfort i could take in being with my best friend... sister, if you will.

we were definitely close before we both found out about each others issues with eating, but i feel like we've gotten so much closer after we were in the know. i love you dearly, and you're the only friend that's never really gone away. 

i love you, and i understand what you're going through. just let me know when you want to see me again... because what's a jeckster without his sam?

quiero.

i want. 

i want to be thin. and not just thin, but skeletal... i usually judge everyone that isn't bony, and if they're not bony then they're fat. i'm a fucking awful person.

i keep purging everything. it's scary, how good i'm becoming at it. chug water or soda between bites. soda is better because it breaks down the food further. three fingers, down the throat, until they can't get down any further. puke. puke, and puke again, until the voice in your head says, "good. you're done now."

it used to be that i could just get a little up and that would be fine... but now i have to get everything up. it's been a year since i first started restricting and puking, i can hardly believe it...

ever more

i worry too much.

why do i have to crave everything? not just food, mind. i want to cut on my arm again, it’s my favorite spot. i want to hit myself on the head some more. i want to eat something anything everything and puke it back up.
dammit, i want pat to hit me and choke me.

but i’m afraid.

i’m afraid to let it all out, but also afraid to bottle everything up. what do i do?

everything hurts at this dead time between midnight and dawn, when i’m the only one awake.

i cry sometimes because i’m in limbo between so many things. sickness and health. male and female. i’m androgynous and fat. stuck on pause. all i do is sleep and puke and exercise and avoid food and try to write and fail.

the only good part of my life is the people in it.

i want to sleep, but i can’t. i want to cut, but i can’t do that either. made a promise i wouldn’t.

but then again, how many times have i promised myself, him, everyone, that i’d stop puking? do this, do that?

i’m a terrible person.

i could devour you.

Size: ?

Age: 18.

Highest Weight: 160.00 lbs.

Lowest Weight: 124.00 lbs.

Goal Weight: 88.00 lbs.

Favorite Diet Food?

Salad, fat free dressing, egg whites.

Favorite Binge Food?

Pizza, toast with butter and sugar, anything..

Favorite Exercise?

Anything cardio.

Thinspo?

Anything with a BMI lower than 17.

What Makes You Slip Up?

Boredom.

What Makes You Strong?

When I see the number on the scale, when I see old pictures, when I think of how perfect I'll be.

When Did It Start?

Last year.

Does Anyone Know?

Sam. Boyfriend. A few friends.

Do You Want Help?

Um, no.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?

500 max.

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?

The biggest tummy in the world. Mile wide thighs. Jiggly ass. Flabby arms. Too much.

Are You In A Relationship?

Yes! <3

Is It For Attention?

Nope.

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?

Thin, but not the thinnest.

Are You Depressed?

Yes, but not as much as I was before.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?

No, but I was hospitalized for idealization.

Ever Been To A Psychologist?

Several.

Are You On Any Medication?

Lexapro, lamictal, abilify.

I AM -

[x] anorexic

[ ] ednos

[ ] bulimic

[x] living off diet pills

[ ] hungry

[x] thirsty

[x] drinking something

[ ] eating something

[ ] under 100lbs

[x] starving myself

[ ] participating in a fast

[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -

[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic

[x] call me fat

[x] say I’m skinny

[ ] say I’m ugly

[x] say I’m pretty

[ ] spread rumors about me

[ ] force me to eat

[x] say I eat too much

[ ] wish I’d eat more

[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -

[x] I was thin

[x] I had a better body

[x] I didn't have to eat

[x] I could control myself

[x] I was under 110lbs

[x] I could avoid food

[x] I could hide what I am

[x] I wasn’t fat

[x] I was prettier

[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

[ ] I had a boy/girlfriend

[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -

[x] feeling hungry

[x] seeing a difference

[x] shaking

[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)

[x] losing weight

[x] being anorexic/bulimic

[x] green tea

[x] diet pills

[x] being able to turn down food

[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -

[x] when people stare

[x] being asked questions

[x] having to eat

[x] being single

[ LOL ] wearing short skirts

[x] being fat

[x] looking ugly

[x] feeling this way

[x] fat people

I NEED -

[x] more support

[x] people to stay out of my business

[ ] more friends

[ ] someone to know

[x] less food

[x] more water

[ ] a gym membership

[ ] to lose 50 lbs

[x] to lose 30 lbs (36, actually).

[ ] to lose 10 lbs

124.60 lbs.

and i'm only shrinking further.

i have N I N E days to lose 6.6 pounds. then i'll be under weight. i'm so determined. more exercise, less food, NO BINGEING AND PURGING.

ohio is on fire.

My heart hurts a little. I just weighed my self, and I'm at 127.6. I'm guessing that a pound of it is water weight. I just want to puke everything up and exercise until I'm gone. I feel nauseous, sick, tired. 

Can I sleep for a week and wake up underweight?

バチュル, むしのさざめき!

That means, "Bachuru, bug buzz!". I think. I can't remember. (: I love pokemon.

I've been eating about 900-1200 calories lately, and that's okay for weight loss, but it makes me uncomfortable. So today I'm starting really restricting again. 380 calories for today; the usual cap is 500, but I want to be thinner quicker...

Been using laxatives almost every day for about a month now. Not scared, just... I dunno how to put it. It's very complex, I guess. I just need to feel clean inside.

scream.

I had a pretty good day today.

I spent it with my boyfriend, Pat. We mostly cuddled and played some video games and called each other butts. He really does mean quite a bit to me. Snoring on the couch right now, looking all adorable. (: Ahhh, he commented on a picture on facebook and said, "Jay, why you no in movies". It made me smile all big-like.

Intake's been all right the past few days. In one of my mom's diet books there was this formula to see what your eating can support. Like, take your usual calorie count for the day (mine's 500) and divide by 12 if you're a woman and 13 if you're a man. The number is left is the weight that your calorie cap can support. 

I am eating enough to support a 35.7 pound man.

Awesome.

I've been taking lax almost every night now... I should be scared.

But I'm not.

<3

7/1/2011.

New blog, new me?